the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
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I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Danger is very dangerous
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Well well well…
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
I have many caverns
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo