My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
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I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.