[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
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get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
A completely valid reaction tbh
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
men, we mow at sunrise.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.