“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
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Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?