“You want me to do what?!”馃ぃ
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If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Me: I鈥檓 so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
If you didn鈥檛 bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don鈥檛 drink it in front of us, Gary.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I鈥檓 paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma鈥檃m, would you like some champagne?
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy鈥檚 good
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Ladies, it鈥檚 2019. Don鈥檛 wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don鈥檛 release them until he goes on a second date.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don鈥檛 know what i鈥檓 doing
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
this FaceApp is creepy af
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you鈥檙e busted for attempted murder