[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
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I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
(Gaming support cat.)