A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
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me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this