Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
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DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Stonehinge
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs