Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
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I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.