Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
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3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent