Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
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You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
some Old Testament wisdom
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
how to have fun when you’re poor