@liberalcannon

My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.

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@sistersurf

I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.

@954LeenO

Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.

@NamestartswithZ

ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me

@Jane_Doe82

Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?

Me: Can you explain your haircut?

@IHideFromMyKids

While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times

@adult_mom

There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.