My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.

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I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.


Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.


ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me


Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?

Me: Can you explain your haircut?


While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times


There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.


Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.