My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
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I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM