My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
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Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
#oldknees