@liberalcannon

My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.

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@eminmien

We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-

“Please stop narrating everything.”

@causticbob

BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal

That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman

@noog

God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.

Light: Let there be light what?

God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.

@stevevsninjas

Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?

@AmericanGent69

My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.

@Kyle_Lippert

911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”

@iwearaonesie

*lays head on homeless guys lap*

“You would not believe the day I had”

@Home_Halfway

HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly

@TheHyyyype

Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.