@sarcasticmommy4

It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.

You Might Also Like

@natedog2049

Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.

@causticbob

Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

@smilely_gal

5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.

@MumInBits

5: *comes in room* hey old lady

Me: *looks around*

5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady

Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*

@curlycomedy

You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.

@batkaren

I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”

@DanMentos

My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy

@JodingersCat

Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.

@jimmytorosian

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?

Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.

@JustBeingEmma

When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.