It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.

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Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.


Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.


5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.


5: *comes in room* hey old lady

Me: *looks around*

5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady

Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*


You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.


I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”


My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy


Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.


Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?

Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.


When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.