It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
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I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.