Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
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OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?