Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
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her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies