Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
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i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
reminder