The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
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Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.