Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
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Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Muppet Screams
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*