‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
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How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
We decided to have money instead of children.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?