If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
You Might Also Like
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!