If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
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Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test