Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
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oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!