Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
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one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.