Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
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pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?