I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
You Might Also Like
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Is this you?
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Saw your ex at the shops
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft