People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
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Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
I don’t get marriage
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Seas the day!!!!
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.