HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
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First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.