why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
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A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Hitlers gonna hitl
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
*pronounces patio like ratio