I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
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An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.