Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
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Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Tell the colonel to bring it
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.