I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
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[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.