Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
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Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”