Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
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My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED