when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”

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[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]


When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.


The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.


Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.


Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.

WebMD: With the fishes.


My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked


I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.

My Wife wasn’t.

She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.

Odd, we don’t own a dog.


Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.


When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours


I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!