@azninthesun

when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”

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@WheelTod

[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]

@KarenKilgariff

When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.

@staceyseniarose

The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.

@UberFacts

Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.

@WetMascara

Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.

WebMD: With the fishes.

@yourlovemuscle

My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked

@knot_eye

I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.

My Wife wasn’t.

She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.

Odd, we don’t own a dog.

@WilliamAder

Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.

@MumInBits

When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours

@kenwhacksit

I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!