when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
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I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”