Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
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[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing