Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
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You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.