Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
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Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here