What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
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[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
we did it you guys we saved daylight
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
All is fair in drunk and war.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”