What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket![]()
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*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
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I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
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Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.