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[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
I am having an out of money experience.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Good morning, Twitter 😊
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me: