Good morning, Twitter 😊
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Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
A completely valid reaction tbh
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Meow