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Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
I saw this ending much differently.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”