I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
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[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie