Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
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Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.