Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
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Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
“Wait, let me explain..”
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.