[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
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If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
incredible text to wake up to
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die