When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
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Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.