God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
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Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done