Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
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18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
How to woo a woman
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen