The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
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Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.