Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
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I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop