If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
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You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
where do you see yourself in five years?
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]