*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
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what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Trying
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Boy never ceases to amaze me